Season 1, Episode 6, "I Ain't Got No Buddy"

We’re a few episodes in now, and for better or worse, Blossom has established its universe now.  The next four episodes seem to be about fleshing out each of the supporting characters individually. “I Ain’t Got No Buddy” is about Six’ relationship with Blossom, followed by Nick in “Dad’s Girlfriend,” Joey in “My Sister’s Keeper,” and Anthony in “Tough Love.” And if this episode is any indication, they’re all going to be pretty bad at it.
 

So this episode is supposed to be about Six, but she has limited screen time, and doesn’t make any active decisions in the entire episode. But it’s Episode Six GET IT?, so there’s that.

We open on one of the stock establishing shots they use for every daytime scene.

When we cut to Blossom’s bedroom, however, it looks like early morning. So there’s a continuity error in literally the first five seconds of the episode. That’s a good sign.

Blossom and Six are fully dressed and studying French. This show has a real boner for France for some reason.

Blossom’s alter ego the observational humor comic returns so she can say they’re American students going to an American school, and shouldn’t be learning French, but what Americans speak, instead: Spanish! Oh, the hilarity of something every single stand-up in Los Angeles was saying in 1985.

Six says she has to go-school-now-bye-bye and Blossom exposits that it’s only 7:30, Six! You crazy vitamin! Six tells Blossom she has to get to school early so she can show a new student around.

Wait, what?

If Six was just coming over to study from home, why would Blossom get dressed for school that early, too? And if Six was sleeping over, then suddenly got up early and started getting ready, why wouldn’t she tell Blossom to stay in her pajamas a little longer? There’s no way Six having to leave so early just came up. Besides, it puts Blossom out, since now she’s got to spend the rest of the morning studying alone, and is fully dressed an hour before she has to be.

Anyway before Six leaves, she and Blossom have a quick conversation that establishes everything we’ll need to know about Blossom and Six’ friendship, like if a checklist for the episode:

1. It’s Monday, and Blossom and Six always go to the mall together on Mondays.

2. There’s a new band named Rupture playing at a venue called Royale on Saturday. Rupture throws up on the audience, and Blossom doesn’t want to go.

3. Blossom and Six are the bestest friends ever and nothing will ever change that.

The black and white photograph, presumably of Maddy, is back, and it’s framed well in the shots that demonstrate how Blossom sees Six, as a pleasant, funny, best friend. The possibility of losing Six and the reality of losing Maddy are the two conflicts of the episode, and they’re related, so this is a good parallel. Fuck, I really hate when they get a small detail like that right.

Pop Culture Rerefences: David Lee Roth (for the episode title, since it was his cover of “Gigolo” that was inescapable around this time)

Blossom heads into the kitchen and Joey’s studying, too! Like every Russo he loves a good kvetch to open a scene, so he says math is stupid, because you always have to have the exact answer! Hilarious!

Blossom notices an envelope on the kitchen island, and Joey says a guy just delivered it. At 7:30 in the morning. Blossom recognizes the names on it as Maddy’s divorce lawyers, because what fourteen-year-old doesn’t know such information? She also makes the presumption that these are the final divorce papers, for who knows what reason.

Joey asks if this means Nick and Maddy really getting divorced, “like, final final.” I don’t know why the possibility of Nick and Maddy getting back together would still be in play at this point, since they’ve established Maddy is off performing in Europe, but I guess the episode needed a second conflict.

Blossom and Joey fight over who should give Nick the papers and Joey says he doesn’t need that kind of heat with his birthday coming up, which establishes Joey’s birthday better than the prior episode that featured his actual birthday.



Blossom says the papers are gonna break Nick’s heart, she just knows it.



Anthony comes in and says he’s rich! He just read that some guy got paid three million dollars to write a screenplay, and he’s going to do the same thing! This is a relic of old TV: a character like Tony, with a light heart and a whole lot of time on his hands, could attempt a skill that normally takes a lifetime, then forget it by episode’s end. This time around the story won’t even make it to the third act, so clearly they just needed to give Anthony Stoyanov something.

Blossom and Joey tell Anthony about the divorce papers arriving and Anthony volunteers to give them to Nick. He says he learned in AA that pain is a part of life, and the audience laughs at this for some reason. It’s in solidarity to all the people struggling with alcohol addiction, I’m sure.



Nick stumbles in, looking superbly hung over. We learn he’s actually just exhausted, from his gig the night before. So the plan to give him the divorce papers has been humorously thwarted by circumstance!


Nick barely gets a “Good morning” out and the kids smile and cheer “Morning, Dad!” in unison.

Nick, because he’s a chump, not an idiot, realizes something’s going on but won’t force an answer. Anthony skirts the issue by asking Nick about his gig from the night before. Since it’s his first scene in the episode, Nick kvetches, too, about playing keyboard at a 20,000-capacity Oom-pah festival until 3am.



“Between the beers, cigars, bratwurst and sauerkraut, the men’s room was quite a thrill.” Ha. I wonder if all the actual funny lines on this show are the work of one writer, and if I can meet him or her and shake their hand. Even if they don’t know that venues holding 20,000 people typically have a green room.



Anthony decides to give Nick a hug, and forces Blossom and Joey to join in. Nick asks what the deal is, but of course the kids are in charge so they plead the fifth.

Nick leaves and Anthony volunteers to take the papers. That’s the end of the scene. No joke to close it out. That should signify that it’s an important story element, and that maybe from this point forward the task of giving Nick the papers is Anthony’s responsibility. Naturally Anthony doesn’t make a single active decision for the rest of the episode.

Pop Culture References: Orson Welles


We’re back in Tyler High’s lunchroom, because they built the set, goddammit, so they might as well write stories that cater to it.

Blossom runs into her previously unseen and unmentioned friend Doris, who she almost didn’t recognize. Doris’ deal is that she shaved her head as an act of youthful rebellion, only to discover she has a large birthmark on her head. One kid called her Gorbachev and then they all did. So now she’s wearing a Tina Turner wig, hoping no one will recognize her. Not that I’m speaking from experience, but I think it would be hard to disappear in a crowd wearing a Tina Turner wig. Maybe Tyler High has a high population of drag queens.



Six comes to lunch with the new girl, Adrien. Adrien’s beautiful and all the boys invite her to sit with them at lunch, et cetera. Adrien blows Blossom off, then drags Six along with her when a suitable generic boy invites her over to eat. Blossom says to go ahead, and Six does.



Then Blossom asks “Six, where are you going?” It was a best friend test, and we get the kind of back and forth where the characters act contentiously in a fashion that overtly services the story.



Feeling betrayed, Blossom sends Six away. Sad music.

Pop Culture References: Sinead O’Connor, Mikhail Gorbachev, I Love Lucy

Back in the Russo household, Blossom asks Joey if he’s ever lost a best friend. Joey says he was standing in the produce section at the supermarket, and he turned around and his best friend was gone. I have no earthly idea what this means, even though Blossom does, and so does the laughing audience. Someone please enlighten me.



Anthony comes downstairs and tells them he’s having script problems. I’m assuming this is the intentionally absurd element of the episode not only for the obvious reasons, but also because, for the love of God, Anthony has the Joey story for this episode.



Blossom notices the divorce papers still under Anthony’s pad, and takes them , saying she’ll give them to Nick. Thus concludes the dramatic development of Anthony taking the papers in that kitchen scene.

Nick enters, again looking awful, to demonstrate the conflict over giving what Blossom in her infinite wisdom assumes is bad news.

Nick’s just been to the dentist, and can’t speak properly, so the kids continue their song and dance to hide the truth from him, which I’m shocked doesn’t include an actual song or dance.  Nick wants to know what’s going on, but due to his surgery he runs the risk of biting his tongue in half if he starts yelling now. So he wanders off to bed.

Anthony notices it’s Monday and Blossom isn’t at the mall, because why wouldn’t a recovering drug addict who’s been preoccupied with a B-story keep track of the social schedule of his sister and her friend?

Blossom explains that the producers will not build a mall set, so Six must have gone to the mall without her. Anthony tells her to call Six, because she’d never turn her back on Blossom.


Blossom dials the phone, only to get Mrs. Lemeure, and speaks to her as if they’ve never met. Six went to the mall alright, but with Adrien! How does Mrs. Lemeure know this?



Back in this fucking lunch room set, Doris approaches Blossom, wearing another wig. So instead of being Tina Turner, her plan to remain incognito is to be the crazy chick who wears a different wig every day. There’s a recurring joke where Doris says no one will recognize her in the new wig, and then immediately someone yells out, “Hey, Gorby!” and we get the second instance here. It’s actually pretty funny.



Six and Adrien approach and we’re treated to more of the catty back-and-forth Blossom and Six are having. Blossom acts really petty throughout her fight with Six, which I’m not sure is supposed to be played genuinely, or as a means of demonstrating that she’s not handling the conflict appropriately. She reneges on her previous refusal to see vomit band Rupture, and implies that Six is stupid. Maybe this conflict is just like an argument in real life.



So just like in real life, Estelle Getty is standing in the Russos’ kitchen next. She’s on the phone with her back to the camera.



She turns around and it’s not Estelle Getty but Blossom dressed like Estelle Getty. Okay. She’s talking to Nick, telling him it took 66 long years, but she finally found a new best friend!



The real Estelle Getty enters. Blossom’s new best friend is Sophia Petrillo!



They’re really burning through the celebrity guest stars they got for the first season.



But we learn there’s trouble in paradise. Blossom has been paying Sophia to live with her, and Sophia’s had enough: she’s moving in with her new best friend.


Well, they did it. Six comes in also dressed as Estelle Getty, pretty much confirming my theory that Six is an old woman who stole a teenager’s body.

Sophia and “Sixty” (check that math) leave to check out some boys at the shuffleboard court.


“Not again!” Blossom cries out, even though this conflict doesn’t really parallel her fallout with Six. It might make sense if it was Adrien dragging Sophia away, but not Six.

Pop Culture References: The Golden Girls, Elvis Presley



Blossom wakes up, crying “Don’t leave me.” I wonder if Mayim Bialik got tired of shooting these shots of her waking up every week. It must be very strange from an actor’s perspective. Anyway.



On Saturday night, Nick tortures the kids by playing board games. I know it’s a sitcom standard to pretend teenagers hate everything, but who doesn’t like board games?


Anthony picks a category, and Nick draws the question:  “What is 28 grams?” Anthony says it’s about 2500 dollars, plus mandatory jail time.


That was actually hilarious, but it doesn’t explain why they did that stupid screenplay plot for the first two acts.



Finally Nick gets as tired of this point in the story as everyone else is, and lets the kids go. Joey and Anthony run for the hills and Blossom stays behind, so she can exposit her fight with Six to Nick.



They hash out the story, and Blossom is able to bleed details about Nick and Maddy’s relationship, to test the waters on Nick’s reaction to the divorce papers he’s not yet aware of. For someone who’s supposed to be the moral compass, Blossom sure isn’t opposed to underhandedness, but then she spies on people regularly and encourages Joey to cheat.



Nick tells Blossom you can’t force people to stay with you. Blossom accepts Nick’s advice and experience for once, and Nick tells her to call someone else to go to the Rupture concert she didn’t want to go in the first place. Good thing they introduced Doris in this episode so Blossom has another friend.

Seeing that Nick says he likes a little reality and that Blossom’s conflict lined up with the one contained in those divorce papers, Blossom uses the opportunity to finally give them to him.



Nick is devastated. I'm shocked, shocked they didn't have Nick see the papers and scream out “YES!” for a cheap laugh. That's exactly what they'd do in one of the later seasons. Instead Blossom got the chance to ruin what we’re told is Nick’s first Saturday night off in years. It’s refreshing to see Nick have a genuine emotion; he’s already in the acceptance phase of his grief, but it’s still sad. Blossom, since she’s so wise beyond her years, must have sensed that Nick’s unresolved grief was the reason he was acting out with the board games hostage situation. She’s so smart.



Blossom and Doris wait in line for the ladies’ room at the concert venue, which apparently is a stadium. I can't believe they built a set for this.

Doris has yet another crazy getup to hide her shaved head, this time a babushka that completely gives away the fact that the actress didn't really shave her head.


Six comes over to the line since this episode is supposedly about her. She begs Doris to let her go ahead in line, because moving ahead of one person will apparently make that much of a difference. Doris says “Sure, Six,” allowing her to go ahead, and Six says that she didn’t recognize her.


Doris exclaims that that’s the nicest thing anyone’s said to her all week! I guess it never occurred to Doris that if she wanted to remain anonymous, she should stop saying hello to acquaintances who actually didn’t notice her. Her disguises actually sort of worked until she outed herself to Six and Blossom in every scene.

Anyway Doris leaves the line for no reason, and as she’s headed back into the stadium, someone says, “Hey Gorby!” again, proving that even on Blossom, the rule of threes works.


So since this is a show ostensibly about female empowerment and breaking stereotypes, Blossom and Sis finally hash things out on the line for the ladies’ room.

Six says she drank a whole lot of soda, which is why it’s a potty emergency, and Blossom allows her to cut ahead, too. Other than it being a coincidental way to have Blossom and Six meet each other, this is a pretty big missed opportunity, because if they cut out the stuff about the soda, they could have had Six seek Blossom out to ignite the reconciliation. Because counting this as a coincidence, Six makes zero active decisions in the episode that’s supposed to be about her.



Anyway, Blossom and Six have some reluctant back and forth, which establishes that Blossom didn’t go to the mall to meet Six like she was supposed to, though there’s no real evidence this was her responsibility.



Blossom says she thought Six would be happier being best friends with Adrian, because she’s smart, sophisticated and beautiful, and Six tenderly replies, “Yeah. Just like you.” And they’re instantly best friends again.



So all Blossom wanted was a shallow compliment. Yep, breaking stereotypes all over the place.



Blossom gets home somehow. Nick asks her what happened and Blossom said it was all a misunderstanding.

They talk about the divorce papers, which I guess Blossom was right about, and she says she was trying to protect him.

Nick says he’s alright with it, and asks if Blossom is. Blossom says she thought there was still a chance Nick and Maddy might reconcile as long as the divorce wasn’t finalized, and Nick says it’s better this way. “It’s harder, but it’s better.” Which doesn’t parallel with Blossom’s fight with Six in any way, so I don’t know what the lesson is supposed to be. I definitely spoke too soon about that photograph shot.



Blossom heads upstairs and turns back to watch Nick sign away the last bit of hope that her parents will ever get back together.



So, why did they need that story about Anthony’s screenplay?

Pop Culture Reference Tally: 7