Season 1, Episode 5, "Who's In Charge Here?"

 

Nick enters the kitchen to Joey, who’s putting everything around into the blender. Nick apparently told the kids they all have to start doing their dishes now, so Joey’s going to start putting all his meals together to save time! Ugh.



Nick answers an early phone call from someone offering him work, and he turns him down for what he says is the last time. Blossom enters the kitchen during this time so the scene can begin.

The guy on the phone tells Nick what the pay is for this gig, which is a whole lot, making Nick regret not taking it. Nick scolds Joey for leaving a cupboard door open, and Blossom points out Nick left it open himself.

Seeing as Blossom has already outsmarted him two minutes into the day, Nick tells her about his business decisions, telling her it was a cruise gig filled with Chuck Berry impersonators and the like. And Nick didn’t go to Julliard for that. He may be a chump, but he’s a snobby chump, after all. He’s also wearing an earring in this scene for the first time in the series.

Blossom asks him how much it pays, and Nick says it’s so much that it would finally get the IRS off his back, and it’s good that they establish this, because it’s emblematic of how low this episode’s stakes are. Blossom advises that he should go, before realizing Nick’s not just declining for his credibility, but rather because of the kids. Which is fair, especially when Nick finds that he has to explain to Blossom how she’s fourteen, Anthony’s a recovering drug addict, and Joey is the idiot with the blender. And if you have to justify your decisions to your fourteen-year-old daughter, you probably develop serious doubts about your ability to run a household.

“Some women have babies at fourteen,” Blossom says, repeating her wrong move from “School Daze” whereby she brings up the last thing she should when trying to argue a point with Nick. At least this time Nick is wise to it, and rightly points out that she’s not doing herself any favors.


Anthony bursts into the room, back from the mini-mall. He’s been going out with Stephanie, a girl he met at AA, who Nick and Blossom have both met somehow. Blossom says she likes Stephanie, so I guess Anthony brought the Russos to AA family night once.

Anyway Anthony’s really happy, and Nick tries to check his eyes to see if he’s on something. Anthony just says he’s high on life or something similarly cliché.

Joey starts crying from stomach pains and says maybe he should stay home from school. Nick tells him the cable’s out and the Nintendo’s broken, and Joey says see you later. So I guess he’s using his stupidity to try to deceive people now? That would be pretty cool if it were a recurring element instead of just an easy way to get Joey out of the scene.

After Joey and Anthony are gone, Blossom tries to keep her argument with Nick going, but there’s no need. He’s going to take the gig after all, but he wants Blossom to take charge while he’s gone. Blossom accepts, as if she would turn down the chance to do what she does anyway.

Pop Culture References:  Chuck Berry, The Platters, The Shirelles, Dick Clark, Hawaii 5-0, Nintendo

Nick catches Joey as he’s leaving for school. I guess the teachers at Tyler High decided Blossom was so wise beyond her years that she doesn’t have to go anymore.

Nick tells Joey the same thing he told Blossom, that he wants him in charge. And we don’t see it but it follows reasonably that he’s going to tell Anthony the same thing, because A) this is a stupid sitcom trope and B) they named the episode after this stupid sitcom trope.

Some night after Nick has left, Blossom and Six paint their toenails in Blossom’s room, and come up with better story to tell the kids at school in case anyone asks what they were doing while Blossom’s dad was out of town. Blossom concocts a tale about how she came to be carrying Johnny Depp’s lovechild, as if she’s not about to stumble into a story that’s even more contrived.

There’s a black and white photograph of a woman on Blossom’s vanity, which I’m assuming is supposed to be Maddy but most definitely not Melissa Manchester. It’s a weird detail that doesn’t really add anything to an episode that already doesn’t have any through-line. It’s also weird that Blossom’s only photo of Maddy is a professional headshot.

Anthony comes into the room, and I kid you not, he asks Blossom to keep Stephanie company downstairs while he changes his shoes before they go out. Doesn’t going into Blossom’s room, explaining the situation, and making a stupid joke keep Stephanie longer? Blossom agrees, so the next part of the story can take place, like some predestination paradox involving early 90s fashion instead of time travel.

Pop Culture References: Johnny Depp

Blossom goes downstairs and finds guest star Stephanie casing the living room.

Blossom is unheard because she’s walking softly due to the painted toenails. Stephanie puts a statue we’ve never seen into her bag.

Blossom goes back to her room and blabs to Six. Apparently it was a peppermill that Little Richard gave to Nick, because Little Richard gives people memorabilia of himself. Wait. That’s probably not a stretch.

The girls do some back-and-forth, none of which makes reference to Blossom’s state of mind, which going by the episode title and the talk with Nick, should be about her worry about this happening after she was left in charge. After Six makes a tasteless homophobic joke in an episode that will soon guest star Little Richard himself, they go downstairs to prod Stephanie.

Pop Culture References: Little Richard

The girls chat up Stephanie, who speaks in a kind of Harley Quinn way that women spoke on TV in the late 80s. I don’t know if they talked like that in real life, but I remember that Gary Shandling and Kirk Cameron usually dated this exact kind of girl as well.

Blossom and Six are fucking idiots, so they get nowhere in their investigation, and moments later Anthony comes downstairs so he and Stephanie can get to their hot Bingo date. They actually had Michael Stoyanov change into Converses, which is surprising.

A few seconds later, Joey comes in, frantic. There’s no real way he missed Anthony and Stephanie leaving, but he chose not to go straight to his big brother, who’s survived drug addiction and God knows what other scrapes.

Instead he confides in his fourteen-year-old sister and her slutty friend. Something’s up with Nick’s car, and before we find out what the problem is we get an act break, because there might be someone out there who gives a shit about this.

Pop Culture References: The Beatles

 

 

 

 

 

Back from the break, Joey tells Blossom he was out on a date and he parked outside a movie theater at the mall, and when they came back the car was gone!

He laments that this is what happens when he gets put in charge. Blossom says hey she should Nick put her in charge! And Joey’s cool with that, because it makes the whole thing Blossom’s fault.

Wait, what?

So they named this episode after the conflict between the siblings regarding who’d be in charge with Nick gone, and once Nick’s deception was exposed, this caused no problems? It doesn’t really matter since Blossom was going to wise-beyond-her-years her way to solving the problem regardless, but then why name the episode “Who’s In Charge Here”?

Blossom of course is more than willing to take control of the situation, which means a whole lot considering she was doing that anyway. So she calls the police, using an alias, asking if the car has turned up anywhere, which of course would never work because if they're pulling up the license plate number they can see the name on the title. Does any story element in the Blossom universe correspond to how things work in reality?

She finds out the car wasn’t stolen, but was rather impounded because Joey parked illegally. Joey can’t pick up the car because he’s only fifteen and shouldn’t have been driving anyway, but he says Anthony could just pick it up.

Blossom says that won’t fly, because Anthony has his own problems, which actually isn’t true, since at this point Anthony doesn’t know anything about Stephanie stealing the peppermill, and he’s been on cloud nine recently. You could make the case that this error was intentional, demonstrating that Blossom’s not seeing the situation clearly, but I’m sure it’s just lazy writing.

Besides, Blossom says, Anthony hasn’t been out of the house during the day since he got sober, even though he was coming in from a morning trip to the mini-mall in the first scene of this episode. Okay, it’s definitely lazy writing.

Joey, to his credit, leaves the scene, happy to give Blossom run of the house.

Nick calls on the phone so Blossom and Six do the excruciating “create telephone static with our voices” gag. Six impulsively says “Bye, Mr. Russo” before hanging up, so there’s an actual laugh, but it also has no repercussions whatsoever.

The girls back segue into talking about Anthony, and there’s a moment where the squeaks of one of the crewmembers’ shoes can be heard at full volume, and someone is visible behind the door frame.  Blossom says she can’t tell Anthony about Stephanie because she afraid of what Anthony’s reaction will be.

Pop Culture Rerefences: Pepsi, The Rolling Stones 

 

Blossom goes to Stephanie’s apartment. Stephanie is in a wedding dress, because we're in yet another dream sequence. She and Anthony are getting married!

 

Not only that, Little Richard is officiating! These guest appearances are fucking baffling.

One of the problems in the pilot was the script being peppered with pop culture references that would register with the kids watching, but (as with the River Phoenix line) catering to today’s trends runs the risk of being dated or even offensive tomorrow. Little Richard’s been known more as a celebrity than a groundbreaking musician since at least the 70s, so this guest appearance could really have been taken by Joan Rivers as far as the story is concerned.

It doesn’t really have anything to do with the episode, and I’m sure the story was reverse-engineered because the performer was available. All they had to do was make the object Stephanie stole a Little Richard tchotchke. I’ve noticed that the Pop Culture References are also skewing toward references that were already dated when these episodes were shot, which is just as obvious.

They do try to tie the story to the guest star here by pointing out that while Blossom is worried about a stolen peppermill, everyone from James Brown to The Beatles stole bits of Little Richard’s act and persona. That’s pretty funny, but why in God’s name was Blossom the forum for this debate?

Anyway, Blossom objects to the wedding, which makes Anthony freak out and search the apartment for drugs to relapse on.

Little Richard, who’s oddly angry this entire scene, commands that the proceedings go forward.

By saying “A wop-bop-a-loo-bop, a-wop-bam-boom” Blossom inadvertently officially marries Anthony and Stephanie.

Before Blossom can react, Little Richard teaches Blossom to “Woooo!” while he looks into the camera in the scariest way possible.

Pop Culture References: Elvis Presely, James Brown, Smokey Robinson

Blossom wakes up doing the “Wooooo!” thing out loud, waking up Six, who does a big ol’ WTF. Man, Six is sort of nailing it this episode. Which means she won't be seen again for the remainder of it.

Blossom goes downstairs to find Stephanie in the kitchen, and freaks out. Stephanie didn’t break in, she explains, she and Anthony just returned from their hot Bingo date. Anthony must have just gone upstairs and passed out, leaving this relative stranger alone in a house where two teenage girls are sleeping.

Anyway Blossom confronts Stephanie, asking if she had a good reason for stealing the peppermill. Stephanie explains she has a problem. Blossom says she knows she was in AA with Anthony, which I thought was common knowledge that it was common knowledge, seeing as the Russos knew Stephanie in the first place.

Stephanie explains her problem isn’t substances anymore, it’s stealing, and she’s not using again, and Blossom just has to believe her, as if this episode isn’t convoluted enough.

Blossom compliments Stephanie’s watch and Stephanie says it’s hers, prompting a monumental joke failure that was kept in the scene for no reason other than they shot it:

So the writers intended that Stephanie says “It’s yours” to Blossom as though she were giving it to Blossom. It’s intended to be a multi-step joke wherein it’s revealed on the final beat that Stephanie meant it belonged to Blossom, and that she had stolen it. It’s one of the oldest jokes in the book, and the audience got the point immediately, as well they should.

But Blossom had a line in there, where she thinks Stephanie is offering her the watch, then refuses it as an act of modesty, then prompting Stephanie to explain that she stole it. Even though the audience laughed at “It’s yours,” they actually go through with the entire sequence so Blossom can get another line in. The audience forces laughter at the intended punch line, and it’s significantly lower than when they got the fucking joke the second they saw it. So they kept the last two lines in the show, because it’s Blossom’s show goddammit and she will have a part in the punch line even if it’s already been delivered.

Anyway Stephanie says she has to split. She thanks Blossom for keeping the conversation between them, promising a deep moral quandary for Blossom that she will never address as the episode draws to a close.

Pop Culture References: Billy Joel

Blossom sits alone in the living room. Anthony comes in to announce he and Stephanie broke up, because Stephanie’s been using again. 

Anthony has a bone to pick with Blossom, though, for not telling him that something was up with Stephanie. Blossom apologizes, and says she was afraid of how Anthony would react, so he bangs his head into the coffee table to demonstrate he’s not made of glass, and to kill time with some lame physical humor.

Joey comes in and says they’re dead: Nick is coming back home tonight! Mama Mia!

Anthony asks why this is a problem, and Blossom gives Joey the okay to tell Anthony that the car was impounded. Anthony is grateful because they’re treating him like a member of the family again. Because it’s not like Blossom has been coming to Anthony with every little problem she’s had so far in the series.

Joey says not to worry about the money, because it’s covered, between the money Nick left him and the money he made from selling something I swear sounds like “bud” but I’m assuming was supposed to be “blood.” Either way it’s a story element we didn’t see and a cheap way to solve the problem, though I would love to see a scene involving Joey selling weed.

So Anthony says he’ll get the car, no problem, until they reveal that it’s being kept at the police impound lot. Anthony exposits that he was an addict for four years and has been conditioned against seeing a cop without extreme emotions, et cetera. Blossom says he wanted to be treated like a member of the family, and stupid sitcom tropes like getting the car impounded are the kinds of things this family will be getting into, so Anthony reneges from his conditioning on a dime.

Besides, Anthony says, he doesn’t want to let Nick down, since he put him in charge, and again what should have been the story is relegated to a cheap joke.

Pop Culture References: Fabian

Nick comes home, giving the kids souvenirs from the cruise. He plops down on the couch and asks how everything went.

Joey confesses to his car crimes. Nick says nothing. Then Anthony tells Nick about Stephanie.

Nick starts cracking up, and congratulates the guys on almost getting one over him. And thanks for the laugh! That’s some solid sitcom logic there, except that A) the car stuff will be on record, B) the Russo household is missing some items, C) the money Nick left Joey is gone, and D) Anthony won’t be high on life from dating Stephanie anymore. So I don’t know why Joey and Anthony are considering themselves off the hook, and not explaining that they weren’t joking will probably make Nick madder when he finds out.

Nick asks what trouble Blossom got herself into, and she says nothing happened besides Six sleeping over on Monday.

Nick scolds her since he’s forbade school night sleepovers before!

Pop Culture References: The Love Boat

Pop Culture Reference Tally: 17

Season 1, Episode 4, "The Geek"

So here’s a serious question: What are the chances that underneath the boilerplate sitcom facade, Blossom the series is addressing the impossibility of separating reality from perception of reality? This episode offers me no solid conclusion, but there are a whole bunch of hanging threads that raise a lot of questions more interesting than the series itself.

We open on the hallway of Tyler High. Blossom and Six carouse after class or whatever.

In the first line of dialogue, Six asks Blossom if they should be panicked because they don’t already have a date for the dance yet. I guess they only need one.

Wait, what?

So the first line of the episode is a character asking if she and another character should hypothetically be having an emotion, based on the situation which they are actually living in.

Blossom says the dance is only four days away, so of course they should be panicked.



The need for exposition aside, why are Blossom and Six contemplating what their emotions should be, instead of having them? We’re two lines in and this is already strangely layered. Blossom wonders if this means they’re the girls with good personalities, perhaps cognizant of herself as a character. Six says they’re not fat enough to have good personalities. Haaaaaaa.
 
The girls make some wisecracks about the slutty girls in school as they haul ass to the water fountain. I’m assuming this is an evolution of the hallway we saw in “School Daze.” So at least something is evolving on this show.

Someone says “Excuse me!” to Blossom and she snaps back “You talkin’ to me?” which seems weirdly inappropriate. I guess the emotions they were just talking about finally kicked in as soon as someone approached her. What if it was someone telling her she forgot her bag, or that her shoelace was untied? What if someone was trying to warn her she was about to walk into some exposed electrical wires? What if some generic boy was trying to ask her out on a date?



Well I guess that summoned him. It’s Justin Whalin again, this time as a different character. In an odd dramatic reversal, the some-generic-boy Blossom dumped in the pilot is now some generic boy she gets flustered just talking to. Naturally some generic boy has some generic name, Jordan Taylor, so I’m just going to call him SGB from here on out.



It turns out she’s had a major crush on SGB for a while, and Six even points out that Blossom has his name written on her notebook.



We’re not told this yet, but in a rare display of reality, SGB is outright deceiving Blossom while he sweet talks her into a fine putty.



Blossom has a quick fantasy of him in a tuxedo, professing his love for her, which is completely unnecessary. The setup is pretty obvious from the acting and dialogue that she’s enamored of him and he’s out of her league.


You’d use this kind of fantasy, where Blossom hears what she wants to hear, in a scenario where SGB is inadvertantly leading her on. But we learn in about fifteen seconds that SGB is asking her if she has a date to the dance so he can pawn her on Fred, the nerd who did his math homework.



Naturally we get the standard sequence where a sitcom character is so confused by what’s just happened to them that they’re unable to react the person would, which here would mean saying, “You idiots realize I didn’t actually agree to anything, right?”



Fred says he would have never had the guts to ask her himself, which isn’t actually the worst excuse in the world.



So there’s the episode’s conflict, for better or worse.

Pop Culture Refernces: Fred Astaire, Soul Train



At the Russo residence, Joey talks to a girl on the phone while Nick does some ironing. Joey tells “Tiffany” they’ll have to take Nick’s car to the dance on Friday, because his car is in the shop.

Joey asks Nick if he remembers that they’re going to Joey’s driving test on Friday, and that he needs to borrow the car, since the one he lied about having is getting a sushi bar put in.
 

Nick asks what will happen when this chick finds out Joey doesn’t really have his own car, and Joey says by then she’ll already be impressed with his hair and his clothes, and won’t care about “superficial stuff” like a car. Considering Tiffany is a character we will never see in this episode, the philosophical implications of a character who doesn’t exist being completely superficial is mind-boggling.

Anyway Nick says he’d like to hear a little groveling, which seems fair, but Joey takes it as Nick needing a man-to-man talk, which Nick responds to annoyed, as if he hasn’t been letting fourteen-year-old Blossom dictate his decisions, or getting advice from Anthony between withdrawal naps.

Blossom comes in and tells her story to Nick. When Blossom mentions Fred by name, Joey almost has a conniption fit. Fred’s such a geek that even Joey knows him.

Blossom doesn’t want to go through with going out with this dude she already kind of said yes to. Nick says following through on the plans is the right thing to do.

Seeing that the teenagers are going to run their own show now that he’s outnumbered, Nick wanders off somewhere.

Blossom and Joey talk together and Joey tells her it’s social suicide to go out with Fred, but he knows she’ll just end up doing the right thing anyway. Even the brain-damaged members of this universe are hyper-aware!

Pop Culture References: Popeye, Gilligan’s Island

Blossom goes to lunch at school, and by God, they actually built a lunchroom set for this. Good thing, because the limited number of sets on Blossom is starting to become claustrophobic now. The bad news is, this set will be used three times by the time this episode is over.

Anyway Fred approaches Blossom, telling her he had a great time at the dance on Friday. Did they really skip over the dance? Visual medium, guys. Blossom sort of nods her head while Fred re-enacts the Lambada he apparently did at the dance. Urkel was already on Family Matters by this point so it’s sort of weird to see a show try to phone in a nerd character like this.

And come to think of it, there doesn’t really seem to be all that much wrong with Fred. I guess this was way before nerd chic existed, so the view now might be a little different. But this kid has not been played as obnoxious or really weird, just allergic to Blossom’s deodorant and a fan of Soul Train.

She goes to sit down with Six and SGB, but she’s told she’s not welcome, and that she should sit with her own kind.

Cue the primetime version of every single nerd joke Saved By The Bell ever did, as we are treated to what Blossom’s social options are now.

For fuck’s sake, that was a dream sequence? Why?

Blossom comforts herself by hugging her favoritest ALF doll that we’ve never seen before and goes back to sleep, like we don’t know where this is going.

Pop Culture References: ALF

So the way they’re gonna work in ALF, to reel in viewers a year after his show was canceled due to low ratings, is by having him be St. Peter, the guy who decides if you get into Heaven or Hell. Wouldn’t ALF deciding your afterlife status already make it Hell in the first place?

Blossom is dead, I guess, and everything about this scene reeks of desperation, including a despicable joke about how they built the Stairway leading to Heaven (GET IT?) for John Bonham. Why this was thought acceptable, funny, or topical in 1990 is really fucking beyond me. Hey, ten-to-fifteen-year-olds watching this show, if you thought that joke was funny, look into HOW John Bonham died!!!!! LOLZ And if this was one of those jokes for the parents, STILL, why is that funny? Fuck.

Anyway ALF checks Blossom’s file and sees that she was an overachiever, and she died giving both her kidneys to the Pope, so on top of everything else excruciating about this scene, we get another confusing moment revolving around Mayim Bialik and Christianity. They could have at least made it the Dalai Lama to keep it a little neutral.

ALF’s about to let her up to Heaven but discovers that she dated Fred, and now she’s going to Hell. I’m really noticing a trend where the events of Blossom’s dream sequences would make better stories.

Pop Culture References: Led Zeppelin

Blossom wakes up and throws the ALF doll that literally every kid had in 1988 across the room, and a nation grew up.

The next day we’re in the actual lunch room, and Six preps Blossom before she dumps him.

Blossom sits down with Fred, and again it doesn’t really seem like there’s much wrong with him. He comforts Blossom when she causes him to spill his drink, politely asks her what kind of corsage she prefers, and tells her he’ll be wearing a custom tuxedo at the dance.

He’s not doing any of this obnoxiously, but you'd think from Blossom's reaction he was inviting her to peruse his insect feces collection.

Even though her dialogue with Six implied that Blossom had a plan when she was approaching Fred to blow him off, Blossom seems to be improvising when she tells him she can’t make the dance because she has to go to Bulgaria for the weekend. She has to represent the United States in an international trumpet competition, and they’ve charted the Concord to get her there. I know that we’re supposed to be seeing this from Blossom’s perspective, but from an objective standpoint Blossom is the one who sounds like an fucking loon.

Fred sees right through it, but accepts Blossom lying right to his face. Blossom says maybe he can go to the dance with someone else, and Fred passionately says he didn’t want to go with anyone else, he wanted to go with her.

About to break into tears, he leaves the cafeteria and has trouble opening the door to get out. This isn’t played for laughs, and I’m really getting tired of the concept that he’s a nerd. Did this character really need to be put in a tucked-in plaid shirt and coke bottle glasses for us to get that he’s a social reject? This story could have been told exactly the same if he were dressed like an average teenager, minus the cheap jokes.

Blossom feels bad about this, and rightfully so.

Blossom wakes up late at night to find Anthony chowing down alone again.

She tells him about her issue, and Anthony tells her that maybe she shouldn’t worry about Fred being a geek because a lot of geeks go on to accomplish great things.

Blossom reiterates that she’s worried about what other people will think of her, and Anthony tells her it was peer pressure that got him to smoke his first cigarette, drink his first beer, and do experimental drugs.

In an episode full of philosophical conundrums, Blossom asks what Anthony means: Should she go out with Fred because he’s a geek, or should she not go out with Fred because he’s a geek?

Anthony tells her what he’s saying is that Woody Allen’s date to the prom had the exact same problem, which is pretty interesting. Maybe ALF was in that dream sequence because Mia Farrow dropped out at the last minute.

Pop Culture References: McDonald’s, Mikahil Gorbachev, Woody Allen

The next day Joey approaches Nick in the living room about this stupid Tiffany situation. I’m surprised Nick is really rooting for Joey to go out and get laid, and I suspect it has less to do with empathy and more to do with having Joey knock up some chick. Maybe she’s rich and if she gets pregnant Joey will finally get the fuck out of the house.

Joey still needs the car because he’s a spoiled little snot, and this whole story is getting more boring by the second. Nick doesn’t think he’s ready to drive yet even though Joey says he knows everything about driving, so tells him to play his favorite song on the piano. He should know it backward and forward, so if Joey’s theory holds true he should be able to play it on the piano. Four episodes in and the show has stooped so low that Nick is testing out Joey’s scientific theories.

Obviously Joey can’t play and mashes the keys like a toddler, and now I can’t wait for those Very Special Blossom episodes that are at least a season away. Lame attempts at drama are a lot more fun than lame attempts at humor. Joey is instead convinced he’s a natural at the piano, and for some reason starts unironically talking like John Travolta.

This forces Nick to commit to taking Joey to his driving test, and the only way this works out logically is if Nick actually wants Joey to get in a car accident.

Pop Culture References: Def Leppard, Thundercats

Speaking of car accidents, Six comes into Blossom’s room ecstatic, to tell her that one of their classmates was in one! By result, Johnny Goodman asked Six to the dance.


 

“That’s great!” Blossom exclaims and they even do their crouching and screaming thing, and I’m seriously wondering what fucking planet I’m on. Did they really need the car accident line in an episode about a driving test, and did the characters have to react positively to it?

Anyway Six wants to borrow Blossom’s heels, but Blossom says she’s going to the dance after all. Six confronts her for being a chump, but Blossom says she feels guilty.

Six points out that Blossom only agreed to go out with Fred because SGB deceived her, but Blossom points out that it was the only way the writers could come up with for how she’d get tangled into the whole thing. Besides, Blossom had to see the look on his face when she dumped him, and it activated her empathy, which Blossom wants to explore since she and Six are always talking about how they wish they had emotions. I may have made that part up.

Blossom says Six probably thinks she’s crazy, and Six says she’s not crazy, she’s sweet. “But when you’re a teenager, sweetness isn’t exactly a survival skill.” In my previous reviews I’ve noted how much Six sounds like a 50-year-old, and this is getting worse. Why does she know so much about the teenage experience, from an outsider’s perspective? My new theory: There is a 50-year-old woman inhabiting Six Lemeure’s body. Based on her dated references (Why would Six know anything about Little House on the Prairie?) it’s got to be like that episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer where the cheerleader’s mom takes over the daughter’s body. I’ll look for more of this.

Of course Six’ next line further supports this theory: “Blossom, you’re a decent percent with good moral values. Life is going to eat you alive.” Said from the perspective of someone who already lived a life and is stealing someone else’s youth.

Pop Culture References: Bambi, Little House on the Prairie

So there’s been a lot of complete shit on Blossom since the pilot, and here comes the worst so far.

Blossom sees Fred at the lunchroom again, and sits down. She tells him there was a new development and she’ll be able to go to the dance with him after all.

Fred says that’s great news, but he already has another date. Blossom is shocked, and Fred says maybe he can cancel. Blossom sees if she can use this to her advantage and says it wouldn’t be very nice.

Fred says that maybe he can concoct a fantastical story to get himself off the hook, and that maybe Blossom can help him, because she’s good at that.

Blossom, who’s wise beyond her years but couldn’t see that she’s a terrible liar, apologizes.

Fred asks her point-blank if Blossom thought he’d really jump at the chance to go out with her after the way she treated him.  “Actually, yes,” Blossom says.

Fred asks if she’s suffering some delusion that she’s super-cool. Blossom says she’s not totally uncool, but Fred said what she did was very uncool. This might be the official point where white people have used a word so frequently that they broke it.

Fred says he’s used to being rejected, and it’s not so bad coming from the others, but he thought Blossom was different. Blossom tries to defend herself, and Fred only compliments her, saying she’s sensitive, sweet, and an overall nice person, which is why it hurt when she dumped him. Then:  “Welcome to the club.” He wanders off into the land of discarded sitcom characters.

Just so we’re clear: The most well-rounded, wise, and emotionally true character that’s been on this series so far was the guest star. And we’ll never see him again.

Back at the house Joey complains that he failed his driving test for running a red light while he was trying to play a CD. How hilarious, that he could have killed somebody!

Thankfully Blossom says it’s hard to be sympathetic, because she’s missing her first dance. It’s so strange how shows will so often change a story’s outcome to avoid logistics like building a new set. If they could afford the set for the dance or borrowed gymnasium set from Saved By The Bell or something, Blossom would have totally gone to the dance stag, and learned an important lesson about not needing a date and inner beauty being the only important thing or whatever. The lesson instead is that she’s feeling bad for doing something bad.


Joey tells Nick his date with Tiffany is off, and she already found some other guy with a car. Joey says the guy is so stupid, because she's just using him. Nick points out that she was just using Joey, and Joey says yeah, but at least he knew it. I think my head just exploded, but at least my awareness theory has certainly got legs.

After Joey goes upstairs Nick has yet another heart to heart with Blossom, about how feeling bad like this is a good sign, because it means she’s a good person. Nick uses the opportunity to reveal to Blossom that he was a geek back in school, the kid who played the piano at school assemblies, and Blossom says that maybe Anthony’s theory was right, that the guys who get rejected in high school grow up to become the guys who people admire. She really knows how to play this guy, but then again she did learn from Justin Whalin.

Nick invites Blossom to dance in the living room since they can at least afford the set where 90 percent of the show takes place. Blossom accepts, they begin dancing, and Blossom says “he should find it any minute now,” and I have no idea what this means. What did Fred, the person this episode was based around and titled for, find?

Joey comes running down the stairs wearing a jacket, saying it’s so cool. Anthony is behind him doing some convulsive arm flailing and someone says “Happy Birthday, Joey!” The Russo family celebrates!

Wait, what?

I had to do a rewatch to find out that they had actually established Joey was “almost 16” when he was trying to convince Nick to take the driving test and/or borrow Nick’s car or whatever. That’s literally the only indication that his birthday might be coming up. I guess it makes sense that he then took his driving exam on his 16^th birthday—not counting the supreme coincidence that the big dance and Blossom’s moral quandary all converge on this date—but this reveal (if you can call it that) made me feel like I had not been paying attention to the story about Joey’s birthday in this episode. On rewatch, I realized I wasn’t crazy and hadn’t missed the story, it just wasn’t there. Then I realized I was crazy because I had rewatched an episode of Blossom to figure out if Joey’s birthday was established.

Anyway Nick tells Blossom that Joey deserves this dance instead, Blossom agrees, and Joey says, “Okay,” and takes Nick for a spin. After the total awfulness of this entire episode, I wasn’t expecting an actual funny moment!

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