Blossom UnWHOAed: Season 1, Episode 5, "Who's In Charge Here?"

Nick enters the kitchen to Joey, who’s putting everything around into the blender. Nick apparently told the kids they all have to start doing their dishes now, so Joey’s going to start putting all his meals together to save time! Ugh.

Nick answers an early phone call from someone offering him work, and he turns him down for what he says is the last time. Blossom enters the kitchen during this time so the scene can begin.

The guy on the phone tells Nick what the pay is for this gig, which is a whole lot, making Nick regret not taking it. Nick scolds Joey for leaving a cupboard door open, and Blossom points out Nick left it open himself.

Seeing as Blossom has already outsmarted him two minutes into the day, Nick tells her about his business decisions, telling her it was a cruise gig filled with Chuck Berry impersonators and the like. And Nick didn’t go to Julliard for that. He may be a chump, but he’s a snobby chump, after all. He’s also wearing an earring in this scene for the first time in the series.

Blossom asks him how much it pays, and Nick says it’s so much that it would finally get the IRS off his back, and it’s good that they establish this, because it’s emblematic of how low this episode’s stakes are. Blossom advises that he should go, before realizing Nick’s not just declining for his credibility, but rather because of the kids. Which is fair, especially when Nick finds that he has to explain to Blossom how she’s fourteen, Anthony’s a recovering drug addict, and Joey is the idiot with the blender. And if you have to justify your decisions to your fourteen-year-old daughter, you probably develop serious doubts about your ability to run a household.

“Some women have babies at fourteen,” Blossom says, repeating her wrong move from “School Daze” whereby she brings up the last thing she should when trying to argue a point with Nick. At least this time Nick is wise to it, and rightly points out that she’s not doing herself any favors.

Anthony bursts into the room, back from the mini-mall. He’s been going out with Stephanie, a girl he met at AA, who Nick and Blossom have both met somehow. Blossom says she likes Stephanie, so I guess Anthony brought the Russos to AA family night once.

Anyway Anthony’s really happy, and Nick tries to check his eyes to see if he’s on something. Anthony just says he’s high on life or something similarly cliché.

Joey starts crying from stomach pains and says maybe he should stay home from school. Nick tells him the cable’s out and the Nintendo’s broken, and Joey says see you later. So I guess he’s using his stupidity to try to deceive people now? That would be pretty cool if it were a recurring element instead of just an easy way to get Joey out of the scene.

After Joey and Anthony are gone, Blossom tries to keep her argument with Nick going, but there’s no need. He’s going to take the gig after all, but he wants Blossom to take charge while he’s gone. Blossom accepts, as if she would turn down the chance to do what she does anyway.

Pop Culture References: Chuck Berry, The Platters, The Shirelles, Dick Clark, Hawaii 5-0, Nintendo

Nick catches Joey as he’s leaving for school. I guess the teachers at Tyler High decided Blossom was so wise beyond her years that she doesn’t have to go anymore.

Nick tells Joey the same thing he told Blossom, that he wants him in charge. And we don’t see it but it follows reasonably that he’s going to tell Anthony the same thing, because A) this is a stupid sitcom trope and B) they named the episode after this stupid sitcom trope.

Some night after Nick has left, Blossom and Six paint their toenails in Blossom’s room, and come up with better story to tell the kids at school in case anyone asks what they were doing while Blossom’s dad was out of town. Blossom concocts a tale about how she came to be carrying Johnny Depp’s lovechild, as if she’s not about to stumble into a story that’s even more contrived.

There’s a black and white photograph of a woman on Blossom’s vanity, which I’m assuming is supposed to be Maddy but most definitely not Melissa Manchester. It’s a weird detail that doesn’t really add anything to an episode that already doesn’t have any through-line. It’s also weird that Blossom’s only photo of Maddy is a professional headshot.

Anthony comes into the room, and I kid you not, he asks Blossom to keep Stephanie company downstairs while he changes his shoes before they go out. Doesn’t going into Blossom’s room, explaining the situation, and making a stupid joke keep Stephanie longer? Blossom agrees, so the next part of the story can take place, like some predestination paradox involving early 90s fashion instead of time travel.

Pop Culture References: Johnny Depp

Blossom goes downstairs and finds guest star Stephanie casing the living room.

Blossom is unheard because she’s walking softly due to the painted toenails. Stephanie puts a statue we’ve never seen into her bag.

Blossom goes back to her room and blabs to Six. Apparently it was a peppermill that Little Richard gave to Nick, because Little Richard gives people memorabilia of himself. Wait. That’s probably not a stretch.

The girls do some back-and-forth, none of which makes reference to Blossom’s state of mind, which going by the episode title and the talk with Nick, should be about her worry about this happening after she was left in charge. After Six makes a tasteless homophobic joke in an episode that will soon guest star Little Richard himself, they go downstairs to prod Stephanie.

Pop Culture References: Little Richard

The girls chat up Stephanie, who speaks in a kind of Harley Quinn way that women spoke on TV in the late 80s. I don’t know if they talked like that in real life, but I remember that Gary Shandling and Kirk Cameron usually dated this exact kind of girl as well.

Blossom and Six are fucking idiots, so they get nowhere in their investigation, and moments later Anthony comes downstairs so he and Stephanie can get to their hot Bingo date. They actually had Michael Stoyanov change into Converses, which is surprising.

A few seconds later, Joey comes in, frantic. There’s no real way he missed Anthony and Stephanie leaving, but he chose not to go straight to his big brother, who’s survived drug addiction and God knows what other scrapes.

Instead he confides in his fourteen-year-old sister and her slutty friend. Something’s up with Nick’s car, and before we find out what the problem is we get an act break, because there might be someone out there who gives a shit about this.

Pop Culture References: The Beatles

Back from the break, Joey tells Blossom he was out on a date and he parked outside a movie theater at the mall, and when they came back the car was gone!

He laments that this is what happens when he gets put in charge. Blossom says hey she should Nick put her in charge! And Joey’s cool with that, because it makes the whole thing Blossom’s fault.

Wait, what?

So they named this episode after the conflict between the siblings regarding who’d be in charge with Nick gone, and once Nick’s deception was exposed, this caused no problems? It doesn’t really matter since Blossom was going to wise-beyond-her-years her way to solving the problem regardless, but then why name the episode “Who’s In Charge Here”?

Blossom of course is more than willing to take control of the situation, which means a whole lot considering she was doing that anyway. So she calls the police, using an alias, asking if the car has turned up anywhere, which of course would never work because if they're pulling up the license plate number they can see the name on the title. Does any story element in the Blossom universe correspond to how things work in reality?

She finds out the car wasn’t stolen, but was rather impounded because Joey parked illegally. Joey can’t pick up the car because he’s only fifteen and shouldn’t have been driving anyway, but he says Anthony could just pick it up.

Blossom says that won’t fly, because Anthony has his own problems, which actually isn’t true, since at this point Anthony doesn’t know anything about Stephanie stealing the peppermill, and he’s been on cloud nine recently. You could make the case that this error was intentional, demonstrating that Blossom’s not seeing the situation clearly, but I’m sure it’s just lazy writing.

Besides, Blossom says, Anthony hasn’t been out of the house during the day since he got sober, even though he was coming in from a morning trip to the mini-mall in the first scene of this episode. Okay, it’s definitely lazy writing.

Joey, to his credit, leaves the scene, happy to give Blossom run of the house.

Nick calls on the phone so Blossom and Six do the excruciating “create telephone static with our voices” gag. Six impulsively says “Bye, Mr. Russo” before hanging up, so there’s an actual laugh, but it also has no repercussions whatsoever.

The girls back segue into talking about Anthony, and there’s a moment where the squeaks of one of the crewmembers’ shoes can be heard at full volume, and someone is visible behind the door frame. Blossom says she can’t tell Anthony about Stephanie because she afraid of what Anthony’s reaction will be.

Pop Culture Rerefences: Pepsi, The Rolling Stones

Blossom goes to Stephanie’s apartment. Stephanie is in a wedding dress, because we're in yet another dream sequence. She and Anthony are getting married!

Not only that, Little Richard is officiating! These guest appearances are fucking baffling.

One of the problems in the pilot was the script being peppered with pop culture references that would register with the kids watching, but (as with the River Phoenix line) catering to today’s trends runs the risk of being dated or even offensive tomorrow. Little Richard’s been known more as a celebrity than a groundbreaking musician since at least the 70s, so this guest appearance could really have been taken by Joan Rivers as far as the story is concerned.

It doesn’t really have anything to do with the episode, and I’m sure the story was reverse-engineered because the performer was available. All they had to do was make the object Stephanie stole a Little Richard tchotchke. I’ve noticed that the Pop Culture References are also skewing toward references that were already dated when these episodes were shot, which is just as obvious.

They do try to tie the story to the guest star here by pointing out that while Blossom is worried about a stolen peppermill, everyone from James Brown to The Beatles stole bits of Little Richard’s act and persona. That’s pretty funny, but why in God’s name was Blossom the forum for this debate?

Anyway, Blossom objects to the wedding, which makes Anthony freak out and search the apartment for drugs to relapse on.

Little Richard, who’s oddly angry this entire scene, commands that the proceedings go forward.

By saying “A wop-bop-a-loo-bop, a-wop-bam-boom” Blossom inadvertently officially marries Anthony and Stephanie.

Before Blossom can react, Little Richard teaches Blossom to “Woooo!” while he looks into the camera in the scariest way possible.

Pop Culture References: Elvis Presely, James Brown, Smokey Robinson

Blossom wakes up doing the “Wooooo!” thing out loud, waking up Six, who does a big ol’ WTF. Man, Six is sort of nailing it this episode. Which means she won't be seen again for the remainder of it.

Blossom goes downstairs to find Stephanie in the kitchen, and freaks out. Stephanie didn’t break in, she explains, she and Anthony just returned from their hot Bingo date. Anthony must have just gone upstairs and passed out, leaving this relative stranger alone in a house where two teenage girls are sleeping.

Anyway Blossom confronts Stephanie, asking if she had a good reason for stealing the peppermill. Stephanie explains she has a problem. Blossom says she knows she was in AA with Anthony, which I thought was common knowledge that it was common knowledge, seeing as the Russos knew Stephanie in the first place.

Stephanie explains her problem isn’t substances anymore, it’s stealing, and she’s not using again, and Blossom just has to believe her, as if this episode isn’t convoluted enough.

Blossom compliments Stephanie’s watch and Stephanie says it’s hers, prompting a monumental joke failure that was kept in the scene for no reason other than they shot it:

So the writers intended that Stephanie says “It’s yours” to Blossom as though she were giving it to Blossom. It’s intended to be a multi-step joke wherein it’s revealed on the final beat that Stephanie meant it belonged to Blossom, and that she had stolen it. It’s one of the oldest jokes in the book, and the audience got the point immediately, as well they should.

But Blossom had a line in there, where she thinks Stephanie is offering her the watch, then refuses it as an act of modesty, then prompting Stephanie to explain that she stole it. Even though the audience laughed at “It’s yours,” they actually go through with the entire sequence so Blossom can get another line in. The audience forces laughter at the intended punch line, and it’s significantly lower than when they got the fucking joke the second they saw it. So they kept the last two lines in the show, because it’s Blossom’s show goddammit and she will have a part in the punch line even if it’s already been delivered.

Anyway Stephanie says she has to split. She thanks Blossom for keeping the conversation between them, promising a deep moral quandary for Blossom that she will never address as the episode draws to a close.

Pop Culture References: Billy Joel

Blossom sits alone in the living room. Anthony comes in to announce he and Stephanie broke up, because Stephanie’s been using again.

Anthony has a bone to pick with Blossom, though, for not telling him that something was up with Stephanie. Blossom apologizes, and says she was afraid of how Anthony would react, so he bangs his head into the coffee table to demonstrate he’s not made of glass, and to kill time with some lame physical humor.

Joey comes in and says they’re dead: Nick is coming back home tonight! Mama Mia!

Anthony asks why this is a problem, and Blossom gives Joey the okay to tell Anthony that the car was impounded. Anthony is grateful because they’re treating him like a member of the family again. Because it’s not like Blossom has been coming to Anthony with every little problem she’s had so far in the series.

Joey says not to worry about the money, because it’s covered, between the money Nick left him and the money he made from selling something I swear sounds like “bud” but I’m assuming was supposed to be “blood.” Either way it’s a story element we didn’t see and a cheap way to solve the problem, though I would love to see a scene involving Joey selling weed.

So Anthony says he’ll get the car, no problem, until they reveal that it’s being kept at the police impound lot. Anthony exposits that he was an addict for four years and has been conditioned against seeing a cop without extreme emotions, et cetera. Blossom says he wanted to be treated like a member of the family, and stupid sitcom tropes like getting the car impounded are the kinds of things this family will be getting into, so Anthony reneges from his conditioning on a dime.

Besides, Anthony says, he doesn’t want to let Nick down, since he put him in charge, and again what should have been the story is relegated to a cheap joke.

Pop Culture References: Fabian

Nick comes home, giving the kids souvenirs from the cruise. He plops down on the couch and asks how everything went.

Joey confesses to his car crimes. Nick says nothing. Then Anthony tells Nick about Stephanie.

Nick starts cracking up, and congratulates the guys on almost getting one over him. And thanks for the laugh! That’s some solid sitcom logic there, except that A) the car stuff will be on record, B) the Russo household is missing some items, C) the money Nick left Joey is gone, and D) Anthony won’t be high on life from dating Stephanie anymore. So I don’t know why Joey and Anthony are considering themselves off the hook, and not explaining that they weren’t joking will probably make Nick madder when he finds out.