Season 1, Episode 9, "Tough Love"

Apologies in advance to my non-existent readers: I’m finishing the rest of Season 1 before Episode 8, “My Sister’s Keeper,” for reasons that will be clear when I get to it.

Instead here’s “Tough Love.” This is the last of the four episodes spotlighting the supporting characters, and this time Anthony’s up.



We open in the kitchen, during the evening. Nick apologizes to someone on the phone, hangs up, and angrily yells out to Anthony. Anthony enters immediately. Nick asks if he took a message from Marty such and such about a recording session gig. Anthony says he did.
 

The second half of the conversation, where Nick tells Anthony he took the message but never actually relayed it, doesn’t happen. We know exactly where this was going, so I guess it doesn’t matter, but it’s weird that they skip over it entirely.

Nick says it’s time Anthony joined the rest of the human race; time to “go to sleep at night, wake up in the morning, get a job.”

Anthony says he’s not ready for a job, since he's still focused on staying sober, and going to meetings twice a day. That’s never been mentioned or implied, but Nick acknowledges it. However, he insists Anthony start going places where people have last names. 

Anthony says he will, when the time is right. Blossom enters, silent. Nick goes on, saying that Anthony takes and takes from the Russo household but doesn’t put anything in. Nick must have forgotten the childrearing advice and masturbation tips he’s been getting from Anthony.

Having not said a word for all of fifteen seconds, Blossom butts in and tells Nick to give Anthony a break. Does he not have feelings? Et cetera. For once Nick ain’t having it, and tells Blossom to shut it.

Nick orders Anthony to get a job. By Friday.

Blossom’s on deck next, and Nick asks if she wrote an original song for her music class yet. Blossom breaks out an electronic keyboard and shows him what she came up with. A keyboard? I guess her speech about the trumpet being her life in “School Daze” was a ruse after all. Called it.

Anyway she plays a song which Nick recognizes instantly as “I Got You Babe” at a faster tempo. He tells her there are only two chords in that song, and they both belong to Sonny Bono.

Blossom says she can’t believe this, she talked her way into Mr. Fisher’s composition class by telling she could write original music, and she needs to write a song by Monday or she’ll flunk out and have to go back to pottery class.

So, I honestly don’t know which part of this premise wreaks of bullshit the most. To break it down quickly so I can keep this review going, let’s note that it requires us to believe that A) Blossom can now persuade adult human beings who are not Nick;  B) Blossom did not have to audition or submit material before getting into a composition class; C) flunking a class at Tyler High means being transferred into another class instead of receiving a failing grade; and D) the administrators at a public school would go through the motions necessary to transfer a freshman between elective classes mid-semester based on the results of a single assignment. Just making sure.

Anthony, who’s sitting down with them, reminisces that he made a bong in that pottery class.

Understandably annoyed by that, tells Anthony he either needs to get a job, or he’s out of the Russo household.

Pop Culture References: Shakespeare, Sonny & Cher
 

Some time later, Blossom practices on the piano. Anthony recognizes it as a Frank Sinatra something or other, and Blossom says she just has to come up with an original song because this teacher expects from a fourteen-year-old what many if not most adult musicians are unable to do.

Blossom is able to not think about herself for a second and remembers Nick’s ultimatum. Anthony hasn’t moved on anything, so Blossom says she’ll help him write his resume. That makes sense.

They head over toward the couch because the director told them to. With a pad and paper, Blossom’s first question for Anthony isn’t where has he worked before or what his skills are, but rather what his goals are. I can’t tell if the writers are trying to subtly indicate that Blossom actually has no idea what she’s doing. Luckily Anthony is played more true to life, and it turns out he doesn’t really have any professional goals.

This is probably the best character moment Anthony has had so far: finding out that when you get past all the recovery stuff that he’s mostly just a slacker is refreshing. On a three-camera sitcom you can never tell if they’re going to do something like the “Anthony is actually a genius” route. Which come to think of it was precisely the story they gave Michael Stoyanov on “Working” a few years later.

Seeing that she couldn’t finish Anthony’s resume in all of 20 seconds, Blossom says they’ll check the classifieds. I guess Anthony won’t need that resume after all. Blossom picks up the newspaper. Fatty’s Pizza, it turns out, needs a late-night delivery boy. Anthony turns up his nose at it, saying he’s looking for something a little more upscale.

Blossom’s nagging is able to pierce through all the layers of Anthony’s slackerness and unremarkability, and he agrees to apply for the job! Maybe that music class plot isn’t so far off after all.

By the way, it’s Thursday already. That was cutting it pretty close.

Pop Culture References: Frank Sinatra, LA Lakers, Ted Koppel, The Golden Girls, Maury Povich

The next day Joey comes in the living room and tells Blossom he needs to use her camera. He’s making the world’s worst joke and needs an audience! See, he has a hot date with some girl who thinks he’s 21 so he needs a fake ID, so in order to do that he’s taking a picture in front of a giant ID prop to use as his ID. This isn’t unheard of, but where did he get the giant board? And was he just walking home with a giant federal offense under his arm?

Anthony enters. Blossom asks him how his first night went. Anthony goes into a whole thing telling us what happened because God forbid we should see anything firsthand instead of being told. Long story short, Anthony and Fatty got along great, but he was fired for getting into an accident. Anthony left the truck in gear while delivering one of the pizzas, and it rolled forward, taking out a Nativity scene and a live cow. The audience naturally finds it hilarious that a living mammal was killed by Anthony's negligence.

Anyway Anthony says it was scary out there. Not the crash: Out there. Trying to be a person. Michael Stoyanov’s really good.


Nick comes downstairs. Anthony tells him he got fired. Anthony tries to pass this is a growth experience, but Nick won’t have it: they had a deal.

Blossom tries to defend Anthony and Nick tells her to butt out.

Nick says he doesn’t want to have to do this, but Anthony’s out of the house.

Anthony accepts this and goes upstairs to pack his stuff. Blossom whines and tells Nick to “think of Anthony,” as though Anthony had been some unseen third party this whole time.

Blossom runs upstairs to write in her diary or whatever, and Nick sits down on the couch to give a long, thoughtful look out into the audience to take us into the commercial.

I wonder if they had to pay Norman Lear a royalty check for this act break, which I’m one hundred percent sure I’ve seen done by Archie Bunker, George Jefferson and Florida Evans. And then there’s Maude!

For the love of all that’s holy, nine episodes into a show about a teenager, we finally get a scene set in a classroom. It’s an elective music class, but still. Blossom plays the last few bars of her original song, just enough that we don’t have to be burdened with hearing how terrible it probably is. The class claps.

The teacher says that’s the best original composition he’s ever heard! Oh fuck, this is a dream sequence? Okay, so nine episodes in and we still haven’t seen a classroom.

Mozart enters and says Blossom ripped him off! I’m stunned they didn’t have a dated celebrity cameo for this. Apparently neither Jm J. Bullock nor Don Knotts were available.



The teacher says Blossom doesn’t belong in this class and shows her the door. Blossom asks where she will go, and Mozart says she’ll be out on the street with her no-good brother.

Pop Culture References: Mozart, Elton John, Milli Vanilli

Blossom wakes up. Anthony tells her it’s time to sing. So they're doing dreams within dreams now. Terrific.

Blossom and Anthony busk ‘I Got You Babe” because the show already paid for the rights so why not use it again. Sonny Bono breaks it up. Well, there’s the dated celebrity cameo. Not that there was really anything Sonny Bono wouldn’t have appeared on in the 1990s, but wasn’t Nicks’ line about there only being two chords in the song supposed to be derogatory?

Anyway Sonny Bono does whatever back and forth celebrities always do in these appearances, making tongue-in-cheek references to stuff they’ve done or their sad second careers (Bono’s political run, in this instance).

Joey comes into frame, taken kicking and screaming by a cop who found out about his fake ID. Joey begs Blossom for help, so Blossom says to call for Nick, only it turns out that Nick is the cop arresting Joey. See, ‘cause Nick’s the bad guy in Blossom’s eyes. Blossom starts nagging, “Dad!” as in “Dad, what are you doing?!”

Pop Culture References: Sonny Bono



Then she wakes up, still calling for Nick, but now worried.

She goes downstairs to find Nick.

Even though she was just calling out for him in a worried way less than one minute ago, once Nick tells her he can’t sleep, Blossom immediately switches to a knowing, sarcastic tone, saying “I wonder why!” She wouldn’t be able to sleep if she kicked her kid out on the street either, she says. This is a really shitty thing to do considering Nick is now well into the internal conflict Blossom hoped he’d have, but Blossom is switching back and forth between emotional states so frequently maybe the state would decree she’s not responsible for her actions.

Nick at least tells her he didn’t ask for her opinion. Blossom tells him it’s his call, and naturally she’s still sarcastic, and goes on to relay a story about how such and such from Bonanza never kicked out who’s-its.

Instead of sending Blossom up to her room for mouthing off, Nick asks where Anthony is now. Blossom tells him Anthony found a job at an all-night doughnut shop. Nick asks, genuinely, where Anthony is staying, thinking maybe he’s staying at a friend’s house, or the Y. I hope it’s not a friend’s house, since the only person we've seen Anthony interact with was Stephanie, the relapsing addict and kleptomaniac.

Blossom doesn’t answer, saying what does Nick care where Anthony’s staying, he kicked him out of the house. Oh, and we’ll soon find out she doesn’t know where Anthony is staying anyhow, so she’s only intentionally making things more difficult for Nick here.

Joey enters. Nick asks what he’s doing up, and Joey says he was afraid that if he slept too long Nick would kick him out, too. It’s doubtful that this is in fact the case, but more doubtful that Joey would come up with something this clever. Blossom must be feeding Joey lines.

Seeing that there’s double the amount of people to explain himself to, Nick goes on. He says this wasn’t a snap decision, that he consulted with other people in Anthony’s program, and professionals.

Wait, what?

So Nick had the plan to kick Anthony out, then waited for him to mess something up before springing it into action? That’s unbelievably unethical. No wonder Nick has such a guilty conscience.

Anyway Blossom of course doubts the opinions of professionals, so Nick asks her if she’s ever heard of something called “tough love.” Uh, probably not, Nick, she’s a fourteen-year-old currently failing an elective music class.

Nick says he had to force Anthony to face the consequences of his actions. Blossom keeps up this philosophical argument in an apparent attempt to keep up the episode’s run time until Nick says the thing parents really do is help you grow up, which is a pretty good point.

Pop Culture References: YMCA, Bonanza

Blossom and Joey go to the all-night doughnut shop, and we’re supposed to ignore that a fourteen-year-old girl and her sixteen-year-old brother are traversing suburbia’s seedy underbelly with no car at two o’clock in the morning. And it makes sense, because it’s not like established in the previous scene that Nick has been staying up late and keeping a tight leash on everyone lately.

So they’re in their pajamas, which is understandable since Nick just got them all riled up and worried in the middle of the night. But they’re in different pajamas than the previous scene, so I’m not really sure what’s going on.

Anyway Blossom and Joey enter as Michael Stoyanov does about the worst rendition of cleaning a table I've ever seen. Which is good for him, I guess, meaning he found work in LA before he had to wait tables for too long. I’m sure that was corrected by 2002.

So while Joey immediately starts eating every doughnut in sight because Anthony works there so the doughnuts must be free, Blossom and Anthony catch up. To make sure she’s better prepared for her next round with Nick, Blossom asks Anthony where he’s staying, and Anthony says he’s staying on Fatty’s couch. Thank God for these unseen characters.

Blossom asks how Anthony likes working there, so the writers use the opportunity to use some standup material. Joke #1: “You know, the only people awake at this time of night are either enforcing the law, or breaking it!” Light laughter.

A young Joely Fischer walks in and sits at a table. After all these episodes I finally empathize with Joey, because he can’t stop himself from talking to her the instant he sees her.

She’s fucking gorgeous and about half of her body mass is spilling out of her blouse. Joey introduces himself as Ralph Steinberg of Dearborn, Michigan, the name from his fake ID.

Blossom watches this but Anthony practically grabs her by the arm so he can belt out Joke #2: “You know the weird thing about cops? They drink six cups of coffee, jam down four sugar doughnuts, then we let them drive around with no speed limit, and a shotgun in their backseat!” Light laughter.

Blossom suggests Anthony go talk to Nick. Anthony says he’s better off staying at Fatty’s. As if Blossom is going to allow two adults resign themselves to their own decisions.

Back to Joey, he’s trying to pick Joely Fischer up for eighteen dollars, his watch, and a skateboard. He promises he won’t take much of her time. Hrm, that really happened? Joey’s bartering with a prostitute?


Oh, no, it turns out she’s a cop named Bambi. The audience laughs at this reveal. Take note of this.

Also, she’s friends with Anthony. Take note of that, too.



Nick talks to Maddy on the phone! This is the first direct interaction with Maddy we’ve seen. She’s officially in Paris now, so maybe the world’s worst guessing game of finding out where she is every few episodes is finally over.

For the love of God, Nick is telling her about Anthony. Now it’s just sad, that Nick has no other confidants, or even friends with kids. Nick has explained himself to every character around in this episode, and it would seem the only reason he’s not explaining himself to Six is that she’s not in this one.

Blossom and Joey barge in, saying they need to talk to Nick immediately. They’re in the pajamas they were in during the doughnut shop scene, which apparently just took place, but Nick is fully clothed. It’s possible this was a different night, but if the trip to the doughnut shop wasn’t spur of the moment, why are Blossom and Joey wearing pajamas instead of regular clothes? You know what, I don’t even fucking care.

Blossom exposits to Nick that Anthony is working at an all-night roach trap, which I thought was already done in the kitchen scene. It's like they reshot half of this episode for some reason, but forgot to match the scenes they were keeping for continuity.

“How many times do we have to have this conversation?” Nick asks. (Indeed.) He’s tired of having to defend himself, he says, end of story. Seventeen times in an episode is his absolute limit!

Still concerned, however, Nick asks Blossom if Anthony found a place to live yet. Blossom says “He’s staying on someone named Fatty’s couch. Nice, huh?”

Wait, what?

I usually only do one of these per episode, but you've got to be fucking kidding me. Blossom’s whole shtick this entire show has been putting Nick down for kicking Anthony out. Now there’s a character, Fatty, who was kind enough to take Anthony in—after firing him for incompetence—and Blossom has the nerve to act like he’s a degenerate based on his name and likely appearance?

Moving on. Blossom asks can’t Anthony come home yet, he has a job now.

Joey says he doesn’t get it, he never heard of anyone throwing their own kid out of the house, “even if they did something really awful like trying to solicit sex from an undercover cop.” The audience absolutely uproars at this. Note this, too.

Nick sees right through it, but chooses to ignore it because he finally comes up with his rationalization for everything: he’s not punishing Anthony; if he wanted to punish him he’d had let him live the rest of his life the way he was. Fair enough. 

Seeing as Nick has actually made an indisputable point, Blossom heels, but not before getting the last word: what Nick says makes sense, she says, but it doesn’t feel good. This would be a really nice moment for Blossom to realize what Nick meant by tough love, but naturally that doesn’t happen.

Nick goes to see Anthony at the doughnut shop.

Anthony is serving two cops who promptly leave once Nick walks in. It’s like this show has a Conservation of Mass principle in place for characters in a scene.

Nick asks if one of those cops was who he thought he was, and Anthony confirms that it was the cop who busted him in ’86. They’re pals now, even though if we do the math we know for a fact that Anthony has worked at this place for three nights at most.

Bambi the undercover cop comes out of the restroom and says hello to Nick, and when Nick recognizes her warmly, the audience finds this high-fucking-larious, even though they’ve already established twice that she’s a police officer, not a hooker. Twice. If there’s ever a study about human beings judging books by their covers, this episode should be submitted into evidence. This must be the Intentionally Absurd Element of the episode, because the writers definitely set the audience up to laugh at this for the wrong reason. Even Anthony gives Nick a weird look, and it was established that he's friends with Bambi. Anyway.


Nick peruses the doughnuts and Anthony tells him that the chocolate sprinkles are the shiznit and the others are bunk. Nick, since he’s been doing nothing but explaining himself all week, tries to do the same to Anthony. Anthony, the only, I mean, most rational person in the Blossom universe, says Nick doesn’t have to explain: he gets it.

Nick says he’s made a decision, and Anthony looks up at him with puppy dog eyes and asks what that decision is. Nick says he’ll have the chocolate sprinkles. Way to be a fucking tease, Nick.

In the Russo residence the next morning, Blossom plays back a song for Joey. Joey says he doesn’t recognize it, so congratulations, Blossom, you wrote a song. “It stinks, but it’s original,” Joey says.

Finally some realism, in that a fourteen-year-old’s original composition sucks, but couldn’t they make some connection to Blossom losing Anthony? Like how life experience can contribute to your ability to create art? Whatever, the episode is almost fucking over. Also they wrap up the fake ID storyline and the ending is so unfunny, unsatisfying, and unrealistic that I’m not even going to cover it.

Anthony enters, telling them not to fill up on healthy stuff, because he’s got doughnuts! I thought Nick bought the chocolate sprinkles the night before?

Blossom asks if he’s back, and Anthony confirms that he is. Since Blossom is presenting the song, we know it’s Monday, meaning Nick must have welcomed Anthony back right after the chocolate sprinkles incident. Like the scheduling mess in the beginning of the episode, we’ve skipped over an interaction between Nick and Anthony at the end. I’m assuming this is intentional and thematic, but what is the theme? That certain things are better left unsaid, even when they are central to both demonstrating and resolving the episode’s conflict? Fuck it, I’m calling this an Intentionally Absurd Element, too.

So the plan is that Anthony’s going to move back in, but instead of living in the house in the bedroom we’ve never seen, he and Nick are going to convert the garage we’ve never seen into a bedroom we’ll never see. And Anthony will pay rent. This is a fair compromise, but it seems like a lot of work for nothing, and Nick is definitely about to take a hit on his property value.

Seeing that everything worked out without her input, Blossom prods Anthony for getting along so well with Nick by reminding him that Nick kicked him out of the house. Anthony, like everyone watching, justifies Nick’s actions and says getting kicked out was the best thing for him.

Blossom says, “Dad, I guess we owe you an apology.” We? Joey had two B-stories in this episode. That's all you, toots.

Anthony says he knows how hard it must have been for Nick, and that he appreciates it, and tells Nick he loves him. They hug.

So that’s Anthony’s story for the episode, and it was actually pretty good. Worlds better than any material they’ve given to the main character in any episode so far. And we know now that a good episode requires two Intentionally Absurd Elements and two "Wait, what?"s. So I don't know what that says about Blossom, or fiction in general.

Nick begins to say something to add his own perspective to the happy ending. Anthony cuts him off, because he has to get ready for his date with Bambi. That leaves Nick with Blossom and Joey, so he tries to start again. Blossom and Joey don’t want to hear it either, which about sums up the show in its entirety.

Pop Culture Reference Tally: 13

References to France: 1

Intentionally Absurd Elements (2): Audience is set up to laugh at Bambi as a hooker when it’s been established twice that she is a cop; two pivotal dialogue exchanges are skipped over